Yesterday, May 27 was the 1 year anniversary of my mom’s death. I could not help but relive the entire emotional experience as if it were in the here & now.
For one year I was not able to sort out my mother’s belongings even though I tried on several occasions. It took mom a long time to come to me in my dreams. I knew her soul was not at peace because of the way she died, not knowing…so unexpected.
In the old traditional European customs a person is to grieve a full year, not dance nor listen to music. The person is to never speak of the dead, good or bad. Also, they must wear a black or dark color against the skin during that time. My doctor told me I was in shock. You know, the tears come out of nowhere now & the grief hits me out of the blue. This tells me that I am not an empty human container walking around. I am alive and living.
Right after mom died, my dad wore a black undershirt up until he the time of his slow & agonizing process of death 4 months later. Dad was one of these people who practiced the old traditional European way. In fact, I was raised in this manner in other areas of life. No wonder all hell broke loose when I joined the Hippy movement as a form of rebellion against authority. Some of you will remember those years. :)
Often, I think about how devastating it was for dad to bury his wife a few short months prior to his own death. The only way I have some sort of peace with that entire scenario is through acceptance. Will I ever get over the death of these 2 people….I doubt it. My parents lived with me the last 6 years of their lives. We got to know each other. Funny thing is, they never changed & neither did I even though I was not a teenager anymore. Since they were a part of my daily life, my loss was monumental.
I had some help yesterday. My precious grandson, Connor, who turned 6 months old on May 25th graced me with his presence. I was able to tell him the story of how his great-grandma passed away and by doing this I got choked up. Of course, Connor didn’t understand what I was speaking about but I know, he felt what I was saying. I could see it in his eyes….a knowing….a familiarity …
My mom & dad knew my daughter was with child but, alas :( had to make space for the next generation of special souls.