…grief…

A short interlude from blogging as I grieve the death of my mother who passed away so suddenly.
I feel a profound sadness which words cannot describe.  To think that I held my dying mother in my arms prior to the arrival of the ambulance. I did not know she was dying as I wiped the sweat from her body and gave her water. Her Chi was so weak, I could not find a strong pulse and I felt a heaviness in my heart as I waited for the paramedics.
From the time I found out she was in serious condition to the time she joined God it was a mere 20 hours.  I held and comforted her before  the life threatening surgery.  My daughter gave her encouraging words that she would be ok. Mom did not wake up from the surgery which was to save her life. What would have she been like had she come to? Would she remember us? Am I selfish to be thinking of this? Would she have suffered? The doctors told us she would have a horrid existence on life support.
Where was God in all of this?  Did he speak through me? Did he convey his message through the surgeons?
I did not know my mother would never come around to say goodbye.  I kissed my mother before she went into surgery and told her I loved her.  I told her she would be ok and that we (my daughter, at the time of the operation) would wait for her.  My father was at another hospital getting treatment. He did not know his wife was in a serious condition facing a monumental surgery.  So, so, bittersweet. He did not have a chance to say goodbye.
And so I am beginning to grieve, now, some 3 weeks later … a grief I have not known.
A short interlude from posting to sort out my emotions …
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4 thoughts on “…grief…

  1. Hi Dear Madame Seaqueen,
    I read your post,and want to say what sometimes only the time brings the answers…
    It is as very hard moment, and I hope you have in this loving feelings, all the medicines you need to be ok again!
    Recieve my best regards!
    Sonia

  2. Oh, Ms Seaqueen, I am so very sorry. Your post brings tears to my eyes. I can’t even imagine what you must be going through. I know it takes time, but I still hope the grief eases for you. God was in it that you were able to be with her. My husband wasn’t able to be with his mother when she passed away and it is hard on him still, some 15 years later. The guilt of not being there eats at him. You were able to be there for her, and I’m sure that comforted her in some way. Take it day by day. I wish you peace and many blessings.

  3. In those first days of grief, it can seem like it is impossible not to drown in our sorrow. I give you my condolences for your loss. I know the suddenness adds to your grief right now, but hold tightly to your mom’s love and your father and it will carry you through.

    It’s peculiar but as I read what you wrote, particularly about about your mother not being conscious through her sudden illness, I felt a strong sense of peace; she knew what you were saying,

    If you are the hub of your family, remember it’s okay if you take the time you need and stop spinning occasionally. Be gentle with yourself.

    Bless you and your family!

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